


letters to a ghost

by lilyanna



Series: Johnten cupid au side stories [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bittersweet, Drabble, M/M, Sad JohnTen hours are now open, The MCD is just implied, cupid au sequel, honestly idk how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:46:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24303877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyanna/pseuds/lilyanna
Summary: When he starts missing him too badly, Ten writes letters.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: Johnten cupid au side stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1468868
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	letters to a ghost

**Author's Note:**

> this little drabble is a sequel of sorts to my [johnten cupid au](https://twitter.com/rosebudqin/status/1060245319806578688?s=20) on twitter.  
> it takes place after the main body of the au, but before the epilogue.
> 
> sorry this is so short and sad, i started writing it when i was in my feels at 2am afsghsv

_Dear Johnny,_

_Hello my love. You’ll have to forgive me for starting this letter the same way that you started that last message to me. It's what comes most naturally now. Those words, that message, have become a part of me somehow; I find myself thinking of them at the strangest of times, saying them out loud without realising it. Apparently I talk in my sleep, so a couple of our friends have heard parts of it. I hope you don’t mind, I know it was supposed to stay between the two of us. It’s probably a good thing that I left the message, and the phone that it was in, in that motel. I don’t think I would ever have stopped reading it otherwise. That would be all I’d ever do, read it day after day, after day._

_If I’m being honest, I did try to go back for it recently. No one else knows this, but one day last month I took the train back down to the coast to try and find it. I know I shouldn’t have. I knew it at the time too, which is why I didn’t tell anyone. Not that it matters anyway, the phone wasn’t there anymore. Of course it wasn’t. It was still nice to get to see Joohyun again though. She seems to be doing well. We exchanged numbers and text sometimes, but we don’t really have much to talk about. Since I’m telling you secrets, here’s another one: I don’t really want to talk to her. She’s really sweet, and kind, and it was lovely to see her but… It brings back too many memories, you know?_

_All of our friends freaked out when I left. I guess they all thought I’d gone walkabout again. Or that I’d gone looking for you. Doyoung gave me a right talking to when I got back, he’s such a loser._

_Speaking of our friends, they’re all doing well. Yuta and Yong are just about done with their degrees now and I think they're a bit stressed with final exams, but I’m sure they’ll pass. Sicheng and I have become quite close too, much to Jaehyun’s distress. We probably tease him too much, but his reactions are so cute. And Doyoung’s, well… Doyoung, you know. He never changes. They all miss you terribly. Everyone around here does._

_It’s funny; we didn’t even know you for that long but you upturned all our lives so drastically. Maybe that’s just an effect that you have on people, because you’re so amazing and life-changing and all that cheesy stuff. If you ever do end up reading this don’t tease me about saying that, okay?_

_I can’t help but wonder if you’re having that same effect on your new friends, if you have any. I hope you do. I would hate for you to be all alone in that place, wherever the place that you are may be. You are out there somewhere, aren’t you? Whenever I look up at the stars I think about how, somewhere in the world, you must be seeing them too. Or maybe you’re not, and you’re amongst them, the brightest star in the universe. Maybe I’m just writing a letter to a ghost. That’s too sad to even think about, so I’ll stop now._

_When I said our friends miss you, I of course meant that I miss you most of all. They worry about me, all of them. I kind of wish they’d stop. If it’s been a whole year and they’re still cautious around me, will our relationships ever go back to how they used to be? They might be right to worry though. I totally freaked out the other day (and this is another secret, so you can’t tell anyone) because I realised I couldn’t remember exactly what colour your eyes are. Isn’t that stupid? It wasn’t even that I didn’t know what colour they were, but I couldn’t seem to picture the exact shade anymore. It scared me. I spent hours looking through our photos, just to try and commit them to memory again._

_Even now, when I think about it terrifies me. What if it just keeps getting worse, and I forget all about you? Will the details of your face slowly slip from my mind? Will I not be able to remember what your laugh sounded like? Will the day come when I can’t remember what the tone of your voice was, and your message will have to play in my mind in only my own voice? Will I someday forget that message as well? I don’t want that._

_I wish we had had longer. Longer so we could have created more memories, more photographs, more recordings of the two of us. I wish I had more of you to hold onto. It’s probably for the best that I don’t though. It’s just like the phone; it’s good that I keep it far away from me. If I had it all I’d surely never be able to move on._

_Speaking of moving on, there’s someone who I’ve been spending a lot of time with lately. I hope you won’t resent me for saying that, that you won’t see these words and throw this letter away in anger. Not that you would ever do that. You did say that you wanted me to be happy, didn’t you? I think it’s a bit early to say if this person makes me happy, but… they make me smile in a way that I haven’t smiled in a long time. I’m not saying anything is going to come from it but I must admit that I’m kind of starting to hope something does. I’m not sure what yet, though that’s almost what’s most exciting about it._

_Don’t think for a second that I am replacing you though. I don’t think anyone is ever going to replace you, Johnny. You will forever hold a piece of my heart, and even if other people are to come along and take other parts of it, that piece will always be there. I love you, and I always will. But maybe, and this is a big maybe, maybe I can love someone else as well. And maybe I can let myself be loved, just like you always wanted me to._

_Anyway, that’s all for now. I’ll write to you again when I find more things to tell you. I’d like to think that these letters are reaching you somehow. That even if we’re miles apart, you will forever be thinking of me like I will be thinking of you._

_I hope you’re well out there._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Ten_

Ten cringes as a blot of ink escapes his pen on the final “n”. Right at the end of the letter too, when the rest of it had turned out perfectly. How frustrating. He daps at it gently with a paper towel in the hopes that it will help it dry out better, but that just seems to dig it deeper into the paper, leaving an unattractive blob on at the bottom. Oh well. Not much he can do about it now.

He’s just about finished sealing the envelope when somebody knocks on his door. A simple call of “come in” is enough to get them to turn the doorknob and walk over to him, resting their chin on the top of his head and wrapping their arms around his shoulders. He grins at the gesture and leans back into it. His hands keep working on the embellishments for the envelope though.

“What are you writing?” They ask.

“Just a letter.” Ten says.

“Oh, cool. A letter to who?”

“An old friend.” He smiles to himself when he finishes getting the washi tape in the exact position he wanted it. It looks cute. Hopefully Taeyong will let him borrow more writing supplies soon; he’s running out. “I wasn’t paying attention to the time, sorry. Do we need to go already?”

“We do, unless you’re okay with missing the beginning of the movie.” The body pressed against his slips away, just a couple of steps back, leaving a warm feeling behind it. “But if you’re doing something important we could always go another day.”

Ten shakes his head. “No, that’s okay. I’m just about done anyway. Let’s go?”

Oh, and the smile he gets in response is dazzling. He could write poetry about that smile. Perhaps he could even write letters. He dismisses the thought. Not yet, not yet.

But someday, Ten thinks as he slides the letter into a drawer with all the others of its kind, realises that there are so many of them now that they barely fit in there anymore, someday he might write letters about it. Someday he will look at the stars and not think of golden eyes and chestnut hair. Someday he will feel arms wrap around him and that feeling will be enough to make him let go of the letter in his hands. Someday he will walk beside another person and hold their hand instead, and he will be happy again.

Not quite yet, not today.

But someday.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed! <3
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/rosebudqin) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/cherrylilies)


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